Medical Miracle # 1
Rotten Childhood Resolve
Rotten Childhood Resolve will help you to remember the childhood you only wish you’d had! Perhaps you currently remember physical or verbal abuse. Or being told that you were worthless. Perhaps even not getting enough to eat. Why be weighed down with all of this? Skip the years, maybe even decades of annoying therapy when you can just consume a capsule and suddenly….
Suddenly you’ll envision the beautiful childhood you always wanted! No longer will you see that raging, alcoholic parent who beat you when you looked at them the wrong way! No more memories of hiding in a closet, hoping that someone would rescue you! Instead you'll remember happy times with the loving parents that you so richly deserve. But look out--they’re sure to embarrass you in front of your friends by being overly affectionate!
Warning: May cause diarrhea, nosebleeds, stroke, and hearing loss, cirrhosis of the liver and gallbladder dysfunction.
Rotten Childhood Resolve is just one of Cheryl’s Medical Miracles! We’re in the helping business!
Medical Miracle #2
Solve Your People Problems Serum
Do people find you offensive?
Do you have problems blurting out inappropriate questions such as “Have you always smelled like a dead rat?”
Rub just two drops of our serum on your lips each morning and watch your problems disappear! Make this a daily ritual and instead of hearing yourself say the usual “Your eyes have always reminded me of pickled herring”, you’ll be surprised when, “My, what a lovely outfit” comes out of your mouth.
Warning: Side effects include diarrhea, swelling of the lips combined with an and inability to breathe, which has led to death in only a few cases.
Medical Miracle #3
Eat Your Feelings Enema
If you could banish anger, grief and sadness from your life, wouldn’t you?
Wouldn’t you rather just feel contented all the time?
Well, don’t wait any longer! Instead of feeling terrible, take just a few moments to enjoy a satisfying Eat Your Feelings Enema, and you can flush away your troubles.
Comes in four delightful scents:
- Coconut Mint will remind of you of a crisp spring morning
- Chocolate Crumb Cake will put you in a self-satisfied mood
- Strawberry Fizz induces feelings akin to strolling through a berry patch
- And after you use Pizza scent, you’ll swear that you just grabbed a slice with your best buddies
Stop putting up with unhappiness! For a limited time only, our Combination Pack, which includes all four scents, is reduced from $74.89 to $59.99. Order today!
Warning: Side effects may include diarrhea, constipation, muscle function loss in the lower extremities, baldness.
Medical Miracle #4
Chipaway The Years
When people wish you a happy birthday, do you chuckle and say, “today I’m 25!”, even though 25 was decades ago? Do wrinkles and sagging skin send you to your bed in tears? If so, Chipaway can help!
Simply make an appointment for our ten-minute (or less) in-office procedure. One of our trained medical professionals will insert a special microchip under the nasal epidermis. Then, whenever you need a youthful boost, you simply call our hotline and we program the chip to do the work. You never need surgery!
For example, let’s say Martha has the chip implanted in May 2025, when she’s 30, to remove those first crows feet around her eyes. At age 40, when her jawline begins to sag, she calls our hotline, and within 24 hours, her chin is once again beautifully defined!
Our Premium Plan, which may be of interest to those who are a youthful 50 + years, includes as many full face lifts as desired, and again, no surgery is required!
For pricing, call our Hotline at 866-hor-shit.
Warning: May cause diarrhea, blood thinning, constipation and feelings of despair.
Medical Miracle #5
I Suppose It's Time For A Suppository
Do you experience any of the following?
Perpetual gastrointestinal torment?
Pancreatic pain?
Persistent gallbladder trouble?
Huge hemorrhoidal issues?
Esophageal agony?
Or is embarrassing excess wind wrecking your social life?
If you are searching for alimentary relief for any of the above, I Suppose it's Time for a Suppository will allow you to relax on a cushy cloud of intestinal bliss. Once inserted, this suppository acts instantly like a calming balm for what ails ‘ya, whether it be at one end of the digestive tract or the other, and even if it’s in between.
WARNING: May cause seizures and blindness. Take with caution, as this medication contains 95% morphine. A small (only 22%) of users become addicted. May also cause diarrhea.
Medical Miracle #6
Odors-B-Gone
Don’t be held back from achieving what you want in life because of worry over offensive personal odors. Whether it’s that horrible smell that drives people out of the room when you take off your socks or the look on a stranger’s face when they catch a whiff of your breath, and even if your problem is escaping wind that is so foul that people in adjacent rooms start screaming in pain, we have the perfect solution for you.
All bad odors are simply gases, and gases can be controlled. Odors-B-Gone uses biopharmaencapsulation, a new, patented and completely safe technology. Scientists have discovered that this innovation in treatment changes all escaping, unpleasant odors into refreshing springtime scents.
Take just one pill every two hours, and the next time you take your socks off, don’t be surprised when your family asks “Did someone bring flowers home?” Comes in lavender, rose, and fresh-from-the-oven biscuit fragrances.
By prescription only. Talk to your doctor today!
Warning: may cause diarrhea, migraine, and inability to detect smells.
